I'm in the background, behind the scenes. I have been for a while.
I have so much to say, and no idea how to say it.
So, for now, all I will say is this. My little family is broken. I am trying so very hard to fix it.
Today, being Father's Day, illustrated everything that is right and good in my family. I hope to build on that.
I watched my children today with their Daddy. They showered him in love and smiles, because they would expect nothing less. It was a beautiful day, spent trawling the city in the sunshine. We let them run in circles and eat lollies. The Mouse kept wishing her Daddy a "happy Muvvers day". The kids were happy, most of the time, which made a big change from real life.
I watched my children tonight with their Pa. They kicked the footy, shrieked, laughed, and ate sausages. They got blue playdough everywhere. They played with their little cousin, and teased their uncle, and asked Aunty Miffy a thousand questions. They ate every single bit of fruit that Narnie cut up for them, and asked for more. I haven't heard Jack laugh that hard in ages. About 7 weeks, to be precise. It was so nice. Being normal.
My Dad - he is, and always has been, my mate. Put us together in front of Fawlty Towers, and we're a lost cause. I have always been so aware of how lucky I am to have a brilliant Dad. Tonight, I was reminded how lucky my kids are that they have such a wonderful Pa. The way he made them giggle and chase the footy tonight - it was exactly what I have needed to see and hear for weeks.
Seeing my happy little tribe this evening, you would have been forgiven for not realising something was amiss. You wouldn't know that my kids couldn't wish their Grandpa a happy Father's Day. You wouldn't see the grief in my husband's eyes, the fatherless father putting on a brave face for his babies. Thank heavens for the family we do have, and for their ability to surround us and our kids with love, to smooth out the edges on quite a long, emotional day.
My little family is broken. But the pieces that we are gluing back together are quite beautiful. Even when we are put back together, the cracks will still be visible. But with my whole family wrapping their arms around us, we will hold together. I'm sure of it.