Do you ever feel as though you haven't been the best possible parent you could be? Lately, I have felt as if Phoebalina has got the rough end of the stick, so to speak. Obviously when there are three children in a household, sharing goes with the territory - the sharing of toys, of snacks, of germs, and inevitably, of Mummy's attention. And lately I have had the mother-guilts quite often, as both Jack and Maisie have been taking quite a bit of my time, for various reasons.
Not that Miss P has been ignored - rather, I probably haven't spent the one-on-one time with her that she is accustomed to receiving. But with so much time and effort being invested in Jack's first term at school (and the preparing for school, getting to and from school, talking about school, being well-rested for school), he has claimed more than his fair share of Mummy's attention lately - for good reason!! And for safety reasons, my eyes have spent the majority of their time (whilst not driving) fixed on the Mouse as she learns to walk...which apparently involves a lot of climbing dangerous objects, pulling things over onto oneself, and banging on the windows with heavy objects to capture the attention of the pets. So it would be safe to say that Maisie is the attention-hog at home during the day...and Jack takes up most of the rest.
As a result, poor Phoebs has resorted to trying to grab my attention any which way she can. So today I'd decided to remedy the situation, and spend some quality time with my biggest girl. The plan was to drop Jack at school, go to the ballet shop to purchase a new cross-over top for Phoebe's ballet lesson, and then spend the morning at a play centre, just Phoebe, Maisie and me, in a ball pit. However, the shop was closed when we arrived...as was the play centre. Grrrr. It was 9:30am by this point, so we drove into the centre of town, found a car park and went to a cafe for morning tea. I bought my girl a smiley-face cookie, and she loved every crumb (as did the Mouse, who begged a piece from her sister with a barrage of earnest "Ta! Ta! Ta!"'s)
We meandered through Target, where I bought new snuggly dressing gowns for the big kids. Phoebe helped me push the pram up the street to a little boutique where we purchased a little birthday gift for a friend of mine. And we were having a lovely time, chatting and strolling together, my girls and I. Back at the play centre at 10:30am, the car park was so full I decided to cut my losses. We came home, had lunch and quiet time, and I got a load of washing out. I was determined to get to the play centre (particularly since she had her little heart set on it), so we were out of the house at 1pm.
Fifteen minutes later, I sat in the play centre car park with two fast asleep daughters in the back seat. So I did what any good mother should do...I joined them!! About ten minutes after drifting off, I woke to the sounds of two mothers chatting next to my open window, and my wide-mouthed snore...charming. Maisie was looking at me expectantly by this point, so I wiped the dribble from my chin, pretended my hair-do was deliberate, and drove to the ballet shop.
After a quick stop at the grocer's and the bakery, we made it to school on time with fresh hot cross buns for afternoon tea. And after all I had planned to do with my girl today, all the special things I had in mind to show her that I did love her, that I did pay attention, that I do enjoy spending time with her...well, most of it went down the plughole.
But.
While I was preparing our dinner tonight, Maisie practised her wonky walk across the room with her trolley, Jack sat quietly watching Pinocchio, clad in his Batman suit, and Phoebe? Phoebe played gently on the floor with her baby doll, feeding it a bottle, wrapping it in a blanket, and crooning softly to it. She did not do dances or turn tricks to grab my attention. She did not continously call out to me with ridiculous rhymes or stories. She only teased her brother when Daddy arrived home (the battle for Daddy's attention is a completely new field and begins as soon as he opens the front door...). And for the first time in a long time, Phoebalicious seemed happy to play near me, content that we were together. Happy that I was with her, that I knew she was there, that I could see what she was doing. That I had assured her, simply by spending a day just with her, that I was paying attention. I just need to make sure she knows it more often.
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