Victim is a dirty word

I need your opinion. Seriously, I think my judgement on this one is waaaay out of whack...and yet I seem to be unable to change how I feel.

This afternoon, I answered the front door with Maisie dangling under one arm and Phoebe hanging off one leg. There was a man on my doorstep, and he quickly flashed a name badge at me and asked if he could come in to discuss my electricity connection. He said he had already knocked on my door earlier and I had obviously been out, because I hadn't answered.

Already my hackles had gone up, because while I had been collecting my son from school (which I do at the same time, every single day) this man had been at my house. And he was back less than one hour later.

I told him it wasn't a good time, as I had three very small children. Oh? He replied. So you'd be home a lot, then? I replied quickly, oh no, I'm in and out a lot.

I still didn't understand exactly what it was he so urgently needed to discuss, so I told him I was happy with my supplier and went to close the door. He mumbled something about Origin speaking to all of their customers, and needing to door-knock the last few "who had so far been unresponsive or had not been home when Origin representatives had knocked".

He asked when it would be a good time to come for a chat. I umm-ed and aah-ed, and told him that I didn't really know, as I was really busy. He pushed on, asking about tomorrow afternoon - was that any good? No, I replied. Thursday? Friday? No, I lied, I'll be working then. What about Monday? Say about 3 o'clock? Knowing that I would be once again collecting Jack at that time, I said yes, and closed the door.

I had to hide my shaking hands and obvious jitters from the kids, because I learned a long time ago that they pick up on my anxiety. I know for a fact that I will not be home on Monday when he calls again, even if it means I have to invent an excursion. So why am I being so ridiculous?

Ever since two men forced their way into my home twelve months and eight days ago, leaving my husband with eight armed, drunk and drugged men on the front lawn, I do not cope with strange men. I do not cope with people shouting late at night; I do not cope with loud, fast cars speeding past our house; I do not feel assured in my ability to protect our children with a stranger in our house. I do not want this man in my home, with only my small children present. I understand that this man is probably only doing his job, and is most likely a lovely person; I just don't understand why Origin sent a person to talk to me so urgently, in person, and why I have to have this person in my house. Am I being stupid??

I still vividly remember what it felt like to have two shouting, violent strangers in my loungeroom in the middle of the night. I was cold, despite the summer night, because I was acutely aware of being clad only in a nightie. I was frightened, because I did not know what these men wanted, or were capable of. I was angry, because I was a mother who was physically incapable of protecting all of her children - I had a newborn at one end of the house, and two toddlers at the other. I was helpless, because I could not have left the house if I wanted to. I was heartbroken, because the sounds of screaming coming from outside my front door indicated that my husband was at least in a great deal of trouble, or could quite possibly be dying. And I was abandoned, because my phone call to 000 yielded absolutely no response from the police.

I understand that Christian and I escaped from that experience physically unscathed. I understand that to dwell on that night makes me a victim, which is apparently a negative thing to do. I understand that in the eyes of the police, we are not victims. According to them, nothing happened at out house that night. To be recognised as "victims of crime", we needed to be physically harmed. What I would like to know is, how can the police say that nothing occurred, when they were not there? That what DID occur, happened because they did not see fit to respond to a cry for help, on the only emergency system our country possesses? I would also like to know whether, after all of this, I am justified in refusing entry to a stranger to my home?

Tell me, what would you do? Would you think twice about letting someone into your home? Would you check their credentials and then feel safe? Would you, like me, get the shakes just thinking about letting a stranger in? Tell me honestly - are my fears justified?? I know the only way this bloke is crossing the threshold of this house is if Christian is here. And even then, I will be like a cat on a hot tin roof.