Queen of Disinfectant

I think most new mothers express a desire for an instruction manual to explain their new baby at one point or another. Having been a mummy for over four years now, in my humble opinion postnatal women should be discharged from hospital with a kit containing rubber gloves, plastic bags, a face mask and PineOCleen. Never mind learning how to burp a baby properly, or top and tail, or swaddle tightly so that they feel safe and secure. During prenatal classes, we should be taught how to mop up spills and bodily fluids - this is a mother's bread and butter. Tonight's blog is dedicated to my children, but a special mention goes to my darling Maisie Mouse, who continues to amaze me with her inventive ways of covering me with the products of her digestive system.

Over the years I have cleaned up hundreds of vomits. Jack was a projectile vomitter extraordinaire - thanks to his reflux and allergies, the poor little bugger would bring up his dinner every single night as soon as I lay him in his cot. This is no exaggeration - one night I went through fours sets of cot sheets before I had to make his bed up with beach towels. One night when he was really tiny, I put him down in his bassinet, crept into bed, and in the dark heard an almighty vomit. We leapt out of bed, threw on the lights.....and nothing! There was no spew, not a single drop, and Jack was just lying there blinking at us. It wasn't until months later when we were moving house, that we moved the bassinet and found a dried trail of vomit on the wall. He had spewed THROUGH the wicker holes in his crib. Now that's impressive! Since that time, Jack has vomitted on me more times than I can remember - in my face, down my cleavage, in my hair, into my crotch...but mostly down my cleavage. Let's just say I have become an expert in removing lumpy vomit from clothes, floors, couches, car upholstery, pets...

Vomit is pretty horrible but there are some fluids that make you want to hurl...like liquid baby poo. I'll never forget the first 'atomic' nappy I experienced when Jack was tiny. I knew something was awry when my normally regular-as-clockwork baby hadn't pooed for two days. Stupidly, (first-time mother ignorance!!) I popped him into the Baby Bjorn and went supermarket shopping. It was while standing at the register with a full trolley that the heavens opened...oh my goodness, but it was warm. Jack gave a happy little grunt, went back off to sleep, and the warmth crept up my chest, and down my legs...To this day I don't know how I got home, but let's just say I didn't go back to that particular Safeway for quite some time. Both Phoebe and Maisie have had their fair share of atomics. All I will say is that I have become adept at running a bath, while holding a wriggling baby under one arm and my nose in the other!

Maisie Mouse has taken after her brother in the projectile stakes, and some may even say she has surpassed his lofty standards! As a tiny baby she would do the standard milky spews, always managing to miss the cloth being held under her chin and splashing the floor, couch, me... Since she has been unwell with bronchiolitis, her vomitting has been triggered by coughing fits. Typically we clean up at least one spew a night, so I am fairly well-attuned to the sounds that precede a splash-attack. Recently Maisie has caught me out with some tricky manouvres, and I have copped it in the eyes and mouth a couple of times. Tonight, however, she upped the ick factor by several degrees. She had a really good breastfeed and was drowsy and relaxed. I started to carry her to bed when she started coughing violently, and I ran to the tiled area before the retching began. Foolishly, I thought she was spent and stood up to wipe her mouth. As I turned to speak to Christian, a stream of warm vomit made a direct beeline into my ear canal and my hair, and began dripping down my neck into collar. Maisie laughed and clapped, and I started laughing hysterically because it just felt so revolting! Even after a shower, I still feel squishy (you can't pour PineOCleen into your ears, apparently) and a bit mank. Maisie must feel brilliant, because she went straight off to sleep!! Never mind. I will clean up their messes, their bodily fluids and their germs, because one day, one day, I will be an old lady, and then it will be their turn to clean up mine!!!!