Parenting 101: The Cheat's Guide To Newborns

The longer I am a SAHM (stay-at-home-mummy), the further I feel from my years at university, and the job I trained for. But it's not that my brain is turning to mush (oh no!! I bet you thought that's where I was heading, and you would be forgiven for thinking that way!), but rather all the information I learned during my formal education seems to be being replaced by more practical, pertinent guff about raising kids. Which, I suppose, is sensible. I mean, what use do I have for the VCE Chemistry curriculum, or activities that encompass multiple intelligences within the Middle Years, when what I really need to know is how to get crayon off vertical blinds?

I'm sure that once Maisie toddles off to Prep (sob!) and I return to the classroom, my "teacher brain" will return in full-force - goodness knows my teacher voice has never left me!! And knowing me, once my babies have left Huggies behind I will forget so much of these baby-hazed days. However, there are a few things I wish I had known before my belly grew to the size of a watermelon (the first time!), such as the fact that three-hourly feeds equates to approximately one hour between feeds, if you're lucky. And that it is entirely possible to be so exhausted in the first weeks that you may open the front door without realising your shirt (and nursing bra) are open to catch the breeze. And that the unwashed hair, chaotic house, milk-stained clothes and addled brain mean nothing compared to the fierce, ever-burning love you feel for this new, very loud, red-faced small person.

Since I have a couple of exceptionally smart, highly educated girly friends about to have their first babies, I was wondering what sort of information they should be armed with before they hit the birthing suite. What would have beneficial to me before Jack made his debut? I'm not talking about namby-pamby pregnancy book-type information - I'm talking the REAL business of being a parent. And since I'm sure real advice from real mums could fill a year's worth of blog posts, I'm just going to jot down a few...for now.

1. After the birth, your baby will sleep non-stop for approximately two weeks. During this time, every single person you encounter will tell you your baby is "a good one" and that you're a natural. When the two-week honeymoon period is over, your baby may possibly begin to cry whenever they are hungry / tired / overstimulated / understimulated / wet / cold / too hot / awake / not being held by mummy / being held by mummy. At which point, you will assume that you must have started doing something wrong, and will start running around like the proverbial chook, trying to find the cause of your baby's crying. Trust me when I tell you - you have done nothing, I repeat, NOTHING wrong. If you have fed them, checked their nappy and burped them, and they are still crying - well, then they're a normal baby! Hold them while they cry, or give them to someone else to hold while you have a shower. Let them cry in a pram while you walk around the block. Hell, I let mine cry while I cried...and then I stopped, and after a few weeks, they did too.

2. Very young babies tend to bring up as much milk as they appear to swallow. Never, ever sit down to feed your baby without at least two cloth nappies within arm's reach. You might want to drape a few over the seats near you if your baby is a projectile vomitter, as mine all were. And when your baby spews all over the floor, walls, couch and your good self, grab some towels to mop up the excess and then make a solution of Napisan to clean the carpet. It gets even the chunkiest vomits out of the weave. Trust me. (Just rinse the towels and your clothes before you machine-wash them - the chunks clog up the washing machine. Again, trust me.)

3. When your baby spews in your bed in the morning (and we are only talking a milk-spew!), and you forget about it until bedtime, and you go to climb into your neglected and much-loved bed, and you remember the unfortunate spillage that occurred...check if it's dried. If it's dry, you're good to go - just get into bed and sleep until the little blighter wakes you up again (in approximately 20 minutes). If it's still damp, chuck a towel on it and voila! Somewhere to sleep. And before you label me a slovenly housewife - yes, I have done this, numerous times, after several nights of washing vomity and/or wee-ed on bedding and no sleep, so before you judge me, walk a few nights in my vomit-splattered ugg boots!! (and I bet you already have...)

3. If you choose to bottlefeed your baby, terrific. If you choose to breastfeed your baby, terrific. If you choose to feed your baby the milk from a Scottish hairy cow fed only on organic lucerne and exercised in the paddock at Bannockburn, terrific. Basically, however you choose to feed your baby is awesome, as long as you actually do feed your baby. Beyond that, it's no one else's business whether you choose to expose your boobies in public to nourish your child, or whether you choose to expose your plastic nipple in public to nourish your child. It's your child. Enough said.

4. If you do choose to breastfeed, be aware that every single midwife will tell you something different. They (mostly) all mean well, and they (mostly) all want to help you succeed. Breastfeeding can be excruciatingly painful, absolutely painless, gorgeously easy, desperately hard, very rewarding and so not worth the effort, all in one day. It is a learned skill for both you and your baby, and some mummies and some babies just cannot, or do not want to, learn this tricky manouvre. Having both breastfed and bottlefed my babies, all I can say is that there are pros and cons to both. Whichever you choose (or have thrust upon you), never, ever be afraid to ask for help. Whatever it takes to get your child drinking milk is the right thing for you and your baby.

4. I gained great joy in cooking all of Jack's first foods from scratch - beautiful, brightly-coloured vegetable and fruit purees, and a wide variety of nutritious casseroles and soups, ready to blend into a smooth consistency to prevent gagging. (And before you point the finger at the anal retent, I was a SAHM with only one baby. Having since been a working mum of two babies, and now a barely-coping mum of three babies, I still try very hard to make most of their meals...whilst relying on the stash of baked beans in the pantry!) I still enjoy making meals for all three of my kids - I am just well-prepared (these days!) to see some meals eaten with gusto, but more often than not to scrape my hard work off the plates and into the bin. I also seem to spend quite a lot of time cleaning the products of my cooking labour off the floor, the highchair, and the cat. So when your little darling begins eating solids and you enter the exciting world of "what puree is that?", come armed with a plastic drop-sheet, plenty of bibs, a towel to drape over yourself, and the ability to refrain from weeping when little Johnny turns your lovingly-prepared food into a Pro Hart display. And always keep an emergency jar (or 20) of baby food in the pantry. It will never go to waste.

I could write so much more (well let's be honest, I've never been short of things to say, right?). But I'd rather hear from you. If you could give one piece of advice / warning / help to a new mum, what would it be? I'd love to know! And I promise to pass them on...