Handy tips and tricks

Things I have learned (usually via my own stupidity):

1. Don't make a baby laugh raucously whilst they have a mouth full of Weetbix. The look of horror on your face will only make them guffaw even harder. At least wait until they have swallowed (or pulled the Weetbix out of their mouth with their fingers - although still messy, it's marginally better!) before beginning the joke, or tickling their toes.

2. Whenever you buy your child a soft toy (or they are given one by a well-meaning person), ensure that the toy is a) machine-washable, and b) easily duplicated. Never, ever make an irrational purchase of a teddy to keep a child quiet in a shop. I know this woman who was in Dollar Curtains with her 15 month old son (who had just learned to run) and her 7-month-pregnant belly. The little boy was running riot after being in the shop for too long, so I, ahem, I mean this anonymous lady clutched at the first straw available and paid for a teddy bear to keep Jack the child happy. Upon closer inspection of the teddy, it was a 'craft' bear not meant for small children. Unfortunately, by this time it was the adored darling of the child, and sleep was impossible without this particular teddy being present. To this day, we the lady and her husband live in fear of losing this beloved teddy, whose head threatens to fall off from too much loving, and whose fur rubbed off long ago. And PS. Dollar Curtains don't have those teddies anymore - and neither does anyone else!!

3. When toilet training your child, remove all rolls of toilet paper from the vicinity of the toilet. Failure to do so may result in the entire roll of paper being put into the toilet. Not only is this an expensive habit, but it can cause the blocking of the loo (and the subsequent messy unblocking of the aforementioned), and quite often means there is absolutely nothing to wipe the child's bottom with, since all of the paper is wet, soggy and contained within the lavatory bowl. Sigh.

4. A twelve-month-old baby reading an old copy of New Idea is unutterably cute. Particularly when she is pointing at the pictures and talking to them.

5. A baby's hands are magnets for dog food, cat food, bits of fluff on the carpet and tiny pieces of Lego. If your child When your child (there is no "if" about this one!) enters the "insect-munching" stage, you may need to develop a very strong stomach. Quite often, your reaction is more than enough to encourage them to investigate the taste of creepy crawlies, so choose your facial expressions carefully! I asked Maisie tonight what she had in her mouth (calmly and with Zen, of course!), and she removed the object with her fingers, shook her head and said "Na" quite solemnly, and delicately handed me a slater beetle. In two pieces. With legs still wriggling. I fought back the urge to vomit / the rising scream within / the need to laugh hysterically and replied, "Thank you darling! Shall we put him outside?" (Just in case you were wondering, she also said "Na" to that one!)

6. Resist the desire to fight the deluge of pink that comes with a three year old daughter (or whatever colour is their particular passion!) Submit to the notion that for at least a couple of years, everything you buy (or are requested / begged / pleaded with to buy) will be either pink, glittery, have sequins on it, be decorated with the visages of the Disney princesses, or all of the above. Good taste is not a factor when it comes to small daughters with opinions of their own. If it is coloured pink and is princessy in any way, shape or form, then it is desired and necessary. The sooner you learn this lesson, the better. You can work on their fashion sense at a later date.

7. A son about to turn five thinks he is very grown up. However, even with a new school uniform, a top bunk, and the ability to ride a two-wheeler, he is still your baby...even when his Superman costume is giving him special powers and blue fire that comes out of his hands. Cuddle him at every opportunity. Sooner or later, the Superman suit will be too small (and he'll be too big to fit in your lap) *sob*

8. Before leaving the house, make sure your kids haven't left any spills or dribbles on your back, front, pants, face or hair. Actually, scratch that. Before leaving the house, don't look in a mirror.

9. Always ensure your maternity bra is closed and your blouse is pulled down before answering the door. Trust me, the postman did not recover from THAT one easily.

10. Don't listen to a word I say (or type, for that matter). I still have my Mummy 'L' plates on (and would you take advice from someone who flashed the postman? Even if it was unintentional? The poor man needed therapy after that one) I'll let you know when I start to have a clue. I can only hope (for my kids' sake at least!) that this occurs relatively soon. Preferably before 2020, but that is a pipe dream unless someone tells me how to get three kids under five to sleep all night in the same room, without anybody waking up. Now THAT is an advice column I'd pay for!