Heartbeats

Jack broke my heart today. He came to me, very solemnly, and said, "Mummy, I'm a big boy now, and big boys don't take their teddies to bed. So I don't love him anymore, ok?". I of course, ever the bleeding heart, just about blubbed on his little shoulder right there and then. Teddy (or Sleepy Bear, as he is officially known) has been Jack's bestest buddy since we found him in a bargain bin in Dollar Curtains. (Truth be told, I was seven months pregnant and was trying to entertain my 15 month old son while I selected blinds for our new house. I would have bought him anything to keep him occupied!!)

This isn't the first time my heart has been broken by my children. It was torn in two when Jack was three days old and got put into a humidicrib to treat his jaundice. He cried and cried and I wasn't allowed to hold him, so I cried and cried too. He smashed my heart into smithereens when he came to visit me in hospital when Phoebe was born. When Christian went to take him home, and he realised that Mummy wasn't coming too, he wailed so loudly that the nurses came running. As you can imagine, the baby blues came early that day!!

Phoebe took my heart in her tiny little hands when, at the age of 5 days, I couldn't feed her. The dreaded mastitis robbed me of a chance to breastfeed, so I would sit nursing her with a bottle and praying that she would know how much I loved her, despite my shortcomings. A tiny little part of me is still hurting from having to leave Phoebe in daycare at the age of seven months, simply because I had to work if we were to survive. Despite the fact that she now loves it and looks forward to her day there every week, I still remember clearly my heartbreak that day, and how I fronted up to a class of Year 8 students with red eyes and a runny nose!

Maisie may only be seven months old this week, but she has contributed her fair share of heartache to her mother! Even though Christian and I had decided on a girl's name before she was born, it was clear to me when I saw her face that it simply wouldn't do! Since Maisie went into the special care nursery for 24 hours after her birth, I had to wait for Christian to bring me photos on his mobile phone before we could decide on (another) name!!! What sort of mother names their child from a photo?? More heartache. Ten days later when I contracted septicaemia, only the enormous doses of morphine in my system prevented me from crying all over the ambos for leaving my poor, defenceless newborn with my poor, defenceless husband!! Guilt and heartache.  A mother's currency.

So my heart has been broken by my children over many funny and sad experiences. It has also been mended by them too. After making his little announcement to me in the kitchen today, Jack went straight into the loungeroom, plopped down beside Maisie, and handed Teddy to her. Her eyes lit up, the pudgy little hands reached out, and of course, Teddy went straight into Maisie's mouth. She was delighted with her new toy, and Jack was delighted with himself for giving it to her. And my heart was mended for another day.